1:41am

The left side of my head hurts. Its only on the left side. A throbbing, mixed with small, slight slicing pains that make me blink really hard. Four hours ago, it was the right side. The same throbbing, the same slight, slicing pain that makes me wince. It feels like this pain just slid into one ear, straight through my head, over the other ear. When I was younger, I never ever got headaches. I would hear about the chronic migraines my mother would get every hour, on the hour, which were combatted by the abuse of pain medicine. "When you're older", I was reminded, "you will get the same kind of headaches. I get them, my mother got them, her mother got them, and so will you." I never believed those words. I do now. More and more lately, my head hurts. Maybe the headache king caught up with me. Maybe I'm just getting my share of them now. I hope they pass, but the more I think about how much my head hurts, the more my head hurts. It doesn't ALWAYS hurt, and its not always physical pain, but it always hurts. Sometimes it gets tighter and tighter throughout the day, and I feel that if I hear one more thing that isn't exactly what I want to hear, it will explode. My head never actually explodes, but I do. I explode into this shell of a person I usually am. I become distant to everyone, I get angry very easily, and I am always, always right. That's just when my head explodes. Sometimes it gets so full of the ins and outs of everyday that the things I mean to retain in this head just deflate out, and I feel dumber for it. Conversations I was once able to carry without hesitation become challenges, they become chores. Other times, I find myself having these same kinds of able conversation, just about less able things. That's only when my head deflates. Most of the time, my head is full. Its always full, actually. Its full of the great things that happen in my life, the bad things that are prevalent in everyday life and the inbetween things that make up the monotony of anyones day to day. If you were to look into it(my head, that is), you'd see the most beautiful woman in the world, the person that I am so thankful to call my fiancee. Next to her, floating in the air, you'd see the questions about us floating about. "Will we make it? Kids? Life after today? Love in return?" Many of these questions plagued my mind for so long its sickening, but if you could see those floating bubbles right now, they would be popping right before your eyes. Sometimes they answer themselves, and other times, it takes time. I find the answers whether I'd like to or not. They call that life. The bubbles turn into my future. "Of course we'll make it. Tomorrow is another day, kids are an even further day" and, "There is so much love in return".
The bad things that fill my head don't have bubbles next to them. They don't have bubbles because, as a human, I don't like putting thought into them. If, in my head, a huge bubble of the factory I work at existed, it would have smaller bubbles like "When the fuck can I quit this place" and "Why on earth do I do this to myself when I know I am capable of so much more".The answer to those questions is necessity. I hate it, but I have to. This pain happens almost all the time, but only when my head is full. When I'm really lucky, and I'm on a good streak. I'm reading a lot, my relationships with people are breathing and my cats are fed, my head is empty. When I say empty, I only mean 75percent empty because there's always some pressure, deflating, fullness in the back which will always linger, but at these times that my head is empty, I don't have a single care in the world. My family is in good health, my love is strong and full, my body isn't doing funny things. When my head is lightest is when I'm sitting doing nothing with those I love. The true meaning of empty. Not a care in the world. Bills are paid, cats are fed, tummy is full. I'm at my best when my head is empty of all the cares in the world and all I have to worry about is me and mine. Us and ours.
The right side of my head hurts. Its only on the right side. A throbbing, mixed with small, slight slicing pains that make me blink really hard. Four hours ago, it was the left side...