sometimes


I feel hopeless!

so many things happening
so many people I need to talk to before I leave
so many people I want to see before I leave



wedding in six (6) months. for real? Six months? Damn. Its comin quick! Its comin for ya!
We got this!


excited for new cities, my future wife, our lil bay cats, seeing family/not seeing family, leaving printpack. dern. whatev. weird, when I think of Printpack, I cringe because I fucking hate that place, but I made a really really good friend there and im glad he's there because otherwise, Im certain I wouldnt be there right now..


crazy how great things come out of shitty situations. you're together, stuck, in the same factory together for 12 hours a day, but a friendship comes out of it. im happy for that, im happy to have him there.


my fiancee is asleep on the bed to the left of me. I slept all day and in turn can not fall asleep now. hopefully I can lay down soon!




thats it

Its a little rainy today, but that's okay because yesterday was really beautiful outside. I heard someone say its going to get up to 83 tomorrow.. that rules.

Im off of work all week, a nice week to be off. LOST is on tonight, as well as the Orioles season opener. I guess thats it. Trying to get wedding plans in order along with moving plans in order all while working and shit. Pretty exciting.


This is life!

man.

man.
man



so many things are happening so fast. many of these are great, not very many of them are not great.


I would like to be a barber one day and own my own barber shop. A really fucking cool barber shop. I would settle with just using straight razors to cut hair and just doing that, that would be cool too.



RAIN CITTTAAAYYYYYYYY Ive always hated the rain, looks like Im going to have to learn to love it. Seattle, we're coming for you!



Can you believe I'm getting married in seven months? Think about that shit, seven months and then she's stuck with me forever. I hope i'll be a good husband and I hope that everything goes exactly how we want it to, during the wedding and during life. i dont think that any relationship is perfect, but if we keep ironing out the kinks, this one is just going to get better and better and betterand better and better..

Opening day is today, O's dont play til tomorrow, excited for baseball, excited for life.


My job at a factory is still a job at a factory and though its not the coolest place ever, it is allowing me to pay my bills and save so I can move to a rad city with a rad girl. I just got a promotion/raise. Its funny, if I didnt see my dad waste his life in the same factory, I wouldnt have a problem working there for the rest of my life. the pay rules and the work is fairly easy, but the thing about factory work is that it fucking drains you. you're holed up in a big concrete and steel mass for 12 hours a day, 14 days a month, and every fucking second that you're there, all you think about is the next minute so that it can be the next hour and you can get home and see your fiancee cuddled up on the couch with your cats..


I never want to work somewhere that my occupation is clock watcher. like, what the fuck? how much time am I wasting my staring at a clock? It seems like you get into this factory and you never get the fuck out. Same thing with this state. you're born here, and you're going to die here. you never get the fuck out. well guess fucking what?



I'M GETTING THE FUCK OUT.

You know that hope you're holding on to
It looks an awful lot like fear
Now you're so quick to fall on failure
And so quick to raise your voice
Like, if I can't find a mistake to blame
We didn't have a choice
Oh, but you had an option
I was your chance to feel complete
But when I leaned in close to you
You kissed your fear instead of me

tell me that you're always going to be my life

waiting for the sun but i know that it'll come

i feel reborn when you touch my arm

whole new view, feel better when i talk to you

i get scared with what i wear

and even when you yell i still love your belly

it's true

riding it through the night

straight through

it still feels new when i talk to you

i feel reborn when the sun gets warm

it's hard but i feel better when i'm not inside

i get scared you'll leave me soon

even though we call each other every afternoon

it's true

it took a little time but i know you

i'm not bored at all

you can call me when you want to call

i used to want to show you every single line

now it's hard for me to show you anything i write

i know that i get nervous when we're not alone

but i wait for you for hours when you're coming home

when we started talking i got so excited

and i swear i tried to go out every single night

i know that you will always be the one who's my

spirit desire

spend my time

tell me that you're always going to be my life

i'm not bored at all

you can call me when you want to call

1:41am

The left side of my head hurts. Its only on the left side. A throbbing, mixed with small, slight slicing pains that make me blink really hard. Four hours ago, it was the right side. The same throbbing, the same slight, slicing pain that makes me wince. It feels like this pain just slid into one ear, straight through my head, over the other ear. When I was younger, I never ever got headaches. I would hear about the chronic migraines my mother would get every hour, on the hour, which were combatted by the abuse of pain medicine. "When you're older", I was reminded, "you will get the same kind of headaches. I get them, my mother got them, her mother got them, and so will you." I never believed those words. I do now. More and more lately, my head hurts. Maybe the headache king caught up with me. Maybe I'm just getting my share of them now. I hope they pass, but the more I think about how much my head hurts, the more my head hurts. It doesn't ALWAYS hurt, and its not always physical pain, but it always hurts. Sometimes it gets tighter and tighter throughout the day, and I feel that if I hear one more thing that isn't exactly what I want to hear, it will explode. My head never actually explodes, but I do. I explode into this shell of a person I usually am. I become distant to everyone, I get angry very easily, and I am always, always right. That's just when my head explodes. Sometimes it gets so full of the ins and outs of everyday that the things I mean to retain in this head just deflate out, and I feel dumber for it. Conversations I was once able to carry without hesitation become challenges, they become chores. Other times, I find myself having these same kinds of able conversation, just about less able things. That's only when my head deflates. Most of the time, my head is full. Its always full, actually. Its full of the great things that happen in my life, the bad things that are prevalent in everyday life and the inbetween things that make up the monotony of anyones day to day. If you were to look into it(my head, that is), you'd see the most beautiful woman in the world, the person that I am so thankful to call my fiancee. Next to her, floating in the air, you'd see the questions about us floating about. "Will we make it? Kids? Life after today? Love in return?" Many of these questions plagued my mind for so long its sickening, but if you could see those floating bubbles right now, they would be popping right before your eyes. Sometimes they answer themselves, and other times, it takes time. I find the answers whether I'd like to or not. They call that life. The bubbles turn into my future. "Of course we'll make it. Tomorrow is another day, kids are an even further day" and, "There is so much love in return".
The bad things that fill my head don't have bubbles next to them. They don't have bubbles because, as a human, I don't like putting thought into them. If, in my head, a huge bubble of the factory I work at existed, it would have smaller bubbles like "When the fuck can I quit this place" and "Why on earth do I do this to myself when I know I am capable of so much more".The answer to those questions is necessity. I hate it, but I have to. This pain happens almost all the time, but only when my head is full. When I'm really lucky, and I'm on a good streak. I'm reading a lot, my relationships with people are breathing and my cats are fed, my head is empty. When I say empty, I only mean 75percent empty because there's always some pressure, deflating, fullness in the back which will always linger, but at these times that my head is empty, I don't have a single care in the world. My family is in good health, my love is strong and full, my body isn't doing funny things. When my head is lightest is when I'm sitting doing nothing with those I love. The true meaning of empty. Not a care in the world. Bills are paid, cats are fed, tummy is full. I'm at my best when my head is empty of all the cares in the world and all I have to worry about is me and mine. Us and ours.
The right side of my head hurts. Its only on the right side. A throbbing, mixed with small, slight slicing pains that make me blink really hard. Four hours ago, it was the left side...